Watching Epic Movie is the cinematic equivalent of rubbing your eyes with broken glass: it serves no useful purpose, becomes very painful in a very short period of time and is sure to lead to ridicule or worry amongst friends and family.
Released in 2007, Epic Movie was a lazy spoof of recent big hits at the cinema (Largely drawing from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and The Chronicles of Narnia), though scripted by the notorious Duo of ‘professional’ filmmakers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Also responsible for fellow ‘spoofs’ Disaster Movie and Vampires Suck), the film more closely resembles a drunken toddlers idea of comedy. Short on laughs, but high on farts, coarse language, punching and faecal matter, it is unfortunate proof that Hollywood doesn’t make them like they used to. For such a juvenile film the plot is surprisingly complicated…if you could call it a plot that is.
Four Annoying Orphans gradually find themselves in possession of mysterious Gold Tickets to Willy’s chocolate factory, cast asunder by their friends (presumably after doing this film, it was a situation the actors faced in real life), dodging a mysterious Black Albino Ninja and logic in the process, they agree to visit the factory. Once there they are surprised to learn that Willy is a sadistic psychopath Killer, and they flee through a magical cupboard into the Snow Covered land of Gnarnia, only to be drawn into its (boring) battle against The Evil White Bitch. After learning they are quartets (who look nothing alike, and differ in their age and racial groups) left orphaned by the Bitch, they slog through over an hour of agonizing ‘Humour’ before plunging into the Film’s ‘Epic’ (*Cough* Sarcasm *Cough*) conclusion.
It’s essentially a sluggish series of disconnected vignettes; everything from Pirates of the Caribbean to President Bush’s Hurricane Katrina Policy is referenced (badly), and virtually everything is unbelievably painful to watch. The repetitive jokes, over the top musical score, flat direction and wooden performances, could perhaps be forgiven if this was actually funny- since when are Spoofs taken seriously? But the only laughs this film is likely to lead too are manic ones of despair.
Admittedly it’s hard to say precisely why- Is it the Laziness of the Writing? The Unenthusiastic Performances?, The Bad Taste of the Boring Humour? (Oh look another racial joke!) The complete lack of Logic, Drama or filmmaking finesse?…Or the fact that in all Likelihood you had paid to see this? But one thing is certain…this film is terrible.
In the interests of fairness there are good points…two of them: It’s Short (though not short enough), and as of yet there has been no hint of a sequel (The $86 million gross is best left unsaid).
In short Epic Movie is an horrific mess of a Movie that should never have seen the light of day, not only is it badly made and extremely boring, the ‘jokes’ are completely contrived and entirely predictable. Any reasonably sensible adult should stay far away from this film if they don’t want their intelligence insulted, whilst anyone who does find this funny has two options to pursue: 1) Seek Medical help immediately 2) Apologise to family and friends for the shame they have brought.
1/10 (It achieves a rating solely for managing to achieve financing- an impressive feat…then again there were Seven Police Academy Films…)